I don’t think it’s a secret that RJ and I are trying to make a baby. Unless it is…then I guess it’s not anymore…?
Anyways, in the few months that we’ve been actively trying and not getting pregnant, I’ve been constantly reminded again of the following unsettling reality: God isn’t fair.
It’s not fair that while two moderately decent people are wanting a child, that so many are aborted each day (this isn’t a debate on pro life versus pro choice, so please keep those arguments to yourself).
It’s not fair that so many children are put in the foster care system with their nine siblings because their parents never learned how to use birth control and would rather go use drugs or party than be parents, when there are so many childless couples who are far more “worthy” of being parents.
It’s not fair that so many wonderful and caring people lose their children or miscarry, while others who could care less breed like rabbits.
It’s not fair that pregnancy happens so fast and so easily for some and so difficult and at great cost for others, or never at all.
It’s not fair that the Duggars, as nice as they probably are, get like 25 kids and some get none.
It’s not fair.
You know, just like it wasn’t fair that it took so long for me to find a job, even though I was a hard working student, and others in my cohort got jobs right away.
Or that she got married to a super spiritual Christian guy right after college when it’s totes obvs that there are other girls who love Jesus more, so where was my super spiritual Christian guy while I waited in singleness for forever??
Or that someone else was recognized for their achievements when I wasn’t, even though I obviously did it better.
Or that others grew up in a functional, warm-loving home and I grew up in a dysfunctional family system that wreaked havoc on my self-esteem for years.
Or that doors always seem to open so easily and opportunities seem to be so abundant for others.
Or that my life was put on hold and I had to graduate a year later than the rest of my high school class like a loser because I was forced to get treatment for anorexia, when someone else who was struggling with the same thing got to continue on with her life without being forced into treatment.
Or, you know what? That the universe gave me small boobs.
It’s not fair.
God isn’t fair.
But He never promised to be.
He never promised that our journeys would look the same as anyone else’s, or that we would reap the same reward or recognition for the same work.
He never promised that we would receive the same blessing in the same time frame as someone else, or that we would even receive it at all.
He never promised that if you work hard enough or gave your life to Him that you’d get whatever your heart desires, and even moreso than those who don’t care about Him at all (so screw the prosperity gospel).
He never promised that no matter how much more “deserving” you are of children than those who are blessed with many that you would have them.
He never promised to be fair.
But He did promise that He’s just, which is different from fair. He did promise that He’s sovereign. He did promise that He’s merciful and gracious. He did promise to never leave us nor forsake us. He did promise to work all things out for the good of those who love Him, even though my idea of “good” is frequently different from His, and even despite our screw ups, shortcomings, and all. He did promise to be good.
And He did promise to be enough, even for our deepest longings. You know, those super-secret deep longings that we never even knew were there until we were forced to wait on His plan and His timing.
No matter our circumstances. No matter where we are in our journey. No matter what others’ journeys look like.
God never promised to be fair. But He did promise to be enough.