I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but sometimes after I publish a blog post and then share it on Facebook, I disappear for a little bit.
There are times where I just don’t have a lot of time to be on Facebook throughout the week.
And then there are times where I just get a little weird.
I get a little weird sometimes. I get a little nervous. I always get these anxious squiggly-in-my-tummy feelings, no matter how serious or lighthearted the post is, right as I’m hitting the “Publish” button.
The thing is…writing is like an extension of myself. And when I publish what I write and then share it for the world to see, it feels threatening, as though I’ve left myself exposed, open, and vulnerable to be rejected, made fun of, scoffed at, etc. Willingly, of course. But it’s still terrifying.
I kind of care about what people think of me.
I try not to, because I know you’re not “supposed to” and that it doesn’t matter in the end. But old habits die hard. My default is to care about these things. My default is to want to be liked.
Social media complicates things. Now there are numerical values associated with what I write and share. How much traffic I get. How many likes there are. How many comments there are. How many likes and comments others in the same niche get for similar posts.
And then I do all sorts of silly things, like comparing myself with others, and feeling awesome if I have higher stats than them or feeling like a failure if I don’t, or subconsciously associating the numerical values with my worth as an individual. “This post got zero likes and comments on Facebook. It must be garbage. I must not be a good writer. I must not be likeable.”
It’s silly. It’s superficial. I know it.
But I already told you. I get a little weird sometimes.
God has actually used blogging to free me from a lot of my weirdness. To be okay when posts don’t get a lot of traffic or likes or comments. To be okay when others disagree with/don’t like what I write. To be okay that others might think I’m a constant trainwreck. To not compare with other bloggers who are in like genres or similar stages in their blogging. To be okay when others think I am unbiblical or a bad Christian. To not worry about what my non-Christian friends might think about my expression of faith.
And to separate all of these things from my worth and value as an individual, so that I am able to write freely and authentically, and purely for my own enjoyment, rather than be restricted and influenced greatly by what and how I think others want me to write or what will impress others the most.
Part of this process of freedom for me has been to set up structures to keep myself from obsessing over these things, like I’m naturally inclined to. This means publishing and sharing at strategic times so that I won’t be able to check and check and constantly check right after sharing a post. This means keeping my phone in a different room after posting so that I am physically unable to check my stats. This means sitting with my anxiety until it comes down and I remember that no matter what, I am okay.
I know. It’s weird. It’s totally weird.
But I get a little weird sometimes.
I hope this explains my frequent absence on social media shortly after sharing posts. Like I mentioned earlier, sometimes I’m just busy. But other times, it’s intentional.
So…like…I’ll see you all in a couple of hours?