Cue the 5th grade sex ed videotape (what’s a videotape?) with the crackly record music and the serene, yet monotonous narrator, while images of bees and flowers fill the screen:
“The human body is a wondrous thing. It changes and blossoms-”
CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY!!?
Okay, so for the first time in 7 years, I am off the pill. No further comments.
(…Okay. One further comment. So you did the math and realized I’ve been on the pill two years longer than I’ve been married. Just to be clear, RJ and I didn’t have sex before marriage and the pill is AWESOME at clearing up your face!!!! I highly recommend it.)
I’ve completely forgotten what it’s like to not have hormones regulate my body.
So imagine my surprise when the Bloody Baron’s about to arrive (my special name for “that time”), and I am nauseated LIKE NO OTHER for an entire week, to the point where I’m wondering how the heck I’d pull over and throw up as I’m driving into LA each morning. (No, I’m not pregnant! But I did check. Twice.)
And imagine my surprise when all of a sudden, my face looks like a 12 year old middle school boy who’s going through puberty.
Oh yeah, and the fact that MY BOOBS HURT SO BAD. (It’s my blog, I can write about my boobs if I want to!!) And I’m wondering why it hurts to wear a bra, and why it’s socially unacceptable to go bra-less to work.
Um, let’s not forget to mention that there’s enough oil on my face to fry up some potstickers. (Oh hey, speaking of potstickers and face grease, have you checked out this recipe yet? ;) )
And let’s not forget my bloated sausage fingers, and that my wedding band creates a finger muffin top on top of my other muffin top.
And the cravings!!! I’ve never been a classic “chocolate and ice cream” craver around the Bloody Baron’s arrival, but I find myself wanting to eat anything carb-y, rich, and delicious. Wait…that’s not really that different from baseline…
Ugh, and the cramping!!! EVERYTHING is cramping, I might as well have given birth to a baby!! (J/k moms!!! I know real birth is probably a LOT worse than menstrual cramps!!)
And the mood swings!!! I mean, snapping at RJ for no reason, picking fights…wait…no, that was happening like clockwork before too. Always the day before. And both of us knew it, though he has NEVER dared bring it up. Like Phil Dunphy says to Luke in Modern Family, “You never mention the cycle. You tiptoe around it. The woman’s actually taking great pains to hide the monster she’s become. But if you acknowledge it, just once, the monster appears.”
And then the WORST. An unwelcome visitor who stays for more than a week, instead of just 3 or 4 days!
So all this, along with the intake I did this morning with one tantruming boy, another boy who screamed and cried for 45 minutes straight, and a third kid who provoked the others over and over again ALL IN THE SAME ROOM AT THE SAME TIME FOR 2 HOURS (and made my uterus shrivel like an old man that’s been sitting in the pool for too long. Or like a raisin. Or like dried mangos…..mmm…does anyone have any trail mix?) makes me wonder…
In the words of David (who went to the dentist): “Is this real life?? Is this going to be forever???”
Can I just, like…stay on the pill for forever???
Hugs and kisses,