About a month ago, I started having recurring dreams three to four nights a week about Holland. Dreams about walking the beautiful streets of Amsterdam, dreams about the Navs staff in Holland, dreams about some student and post-grad friends we met in Holland, dreams about poffertjes. It was weird.
And then I realized that I was probably dreaming about Holland so frequently because the trip that RJ and I were supposed to co-lead was just days, weeks from departing. And that realization made me incredibly sad.
With God’s leading, RJ and I made the incredibly difficult decision to back out of the trip back in April due to me starting my new job and the trip just not being the wisest decision for our family right now for a bunch of reasons. Up until that point, we had poured ourselves out in recruiting students and staff for this trip just so the trip could even happen. For a while I was calling this trip, “The trip that was, but then it wasn’t, but then it was maybe, but then it was again, but then it became huge and awesome.” If you’re confused about the trip title, you can ask me about it. It’s pretty self-explanatory, haha.
I’ve been struggling a lot with my attitude in the past week. You can ask RJ, haha. You know, just a lot of “Wow, I could be in Holland right now riding bikes through the countryside, but instead I’ve been stuck in LA traffic for the past hour and a half.” Or “Wow, I could be in Holland right now eating fries with mayonnaise (sounds gross, but their mayo is better!!) for lunch, but instead I’m sitting behind my desk because my fourth client for the day cancelled on me.” Or “Wow, I could be in Holland right now enjoying a Dutch dance party with new friends, but instead I’m backlogged with paperwork because I can’t log into the new computer system at work.” Or “Wow, I could be in Holland right now eating amazing cheese, but instead blah blah blah blah blah.” You get the picture.
The thought of so many staff and student favorites stateside with so many staff favorites Holland-side in one of the most beautiful places in the world with so much awesome food and “mao-shees” (may-scious?) that are only $1.25/box instead of $6/box at Ranch 99 and to participate in essentially a week-long workshop in experiencing God in a new way…well, it kills me to miss out on SO. MUCH. AWESOME.
For a while, I had thought that I had been completely converted to an ENFJ (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), since I had become more systematic and organized and scheduled. This is how I know that at heart I am still an ENFP: J’s are at peace once a final decision has been made. P’s live in even greater discomfort once a final decision has been made, squirming for fear of having made the wrong decision or missing out on an even better option.
I’ll be honest, I’m still not entirely convinced that we made the right decision, especially this past week, as I’ve been at work or in stand-still traffic scrolling through the Holland team members’ photos of beautiful Holland.
But the truth of the matter is we made the decision, we aren’t in Holland now, and I’m at work or at home instead.
So get over it.
No, seriously. Get over it.
Consider it Therapy Pro Tip #1: Get Over It.
I know it sounds harsh, but that’s what I have to tell myself constantly. Get over it. “Could”-ing and “Should”-ing all over the place doesn’t change anything, it just makes being in the here and now more torturous and excruciating. I am where I am supposed to be, and we are where God wants us to be. And I can rest in that, rather than get worked up in angst for what could’ve or should’ve been.
Because it cannot and it will not ever be.
So get over it.
We really have more power than we realize over our own well-being and the amount of joy we experience in our lives. I can choose to wallow in self-pity, I can choose to live in what “could” and “should” have been and miss out on life now, I can continue to despise being here in the states and torture myself with the thought that everyone else is adventuring without us, feel sad to be missing out on fun, and as a result keep being an absolute pill to RJ.
Or I can choose to live freely in what is, right here, right now, to choose joy in every single moment, to feel thankful for every blessing I’ve received (and I’ve been blessed way more than I deserve!) and to live the rest of this week until the team comes back without regrets or second guessing our decision. And I can do all this confidently, being fully assured that God is absolutely sovereign and that God is absolutely good all the time. I can rest in these truths.
Are you currently struggling with the “Could’ve’s” and “Should’ve’s”? “I could’ve been married by now if I had given that guy a chance.” “I should’ve taken that risk, but instead, I’m stuck here in a dead end job.” “I could’ve been so happy right now if I hadn’t let that person steal my joy and ruin my life.”
Get over it.
Get over it, and accept what was and is, and keep moving forward with your life. Or get over it, and muster up the courage to take a risk and go for what you want. Don’t waste your entire life wishing you were somewhere else other than where you are in the moment.
Get over it, and wherever you are, be fully there, present in the here and now.
Just remind me to do the same. :)