Sorry for the radio silence in the past few days, my friends. It’s admittedly been a hard week.
Many of you know that I received a stipend last June to go towards school loans in exchange for one year of employment with the county of Los Angeles. The job search process has been a slow one, and I’ve only had two interviews so far. And for some reason, the county pushed up my deadline to get a job from June to the end of March, further adding to the stress of finding a job (which is ironic because in a previous post, I mentioned that if I just knew when I’d get a job by, I’d feel much better. I do know now, and no, I don’t feel much better!).
Last Friday, I found out that I didn’t get the job I was waiting to hear back on.
A job I was super excited about.
And what seemed to be my last hope in getting a job before the end of March.
The good news is that they offered me an interview for another open position that they have for next Tuesday. But quite honestly, if there was a job that I felt most qualified for, it was the one I didn’t get. So I find myself doubting whether the outcome of this interview will/could work out in my favor.
Like I said, it’s been a tough week.
Some days I do great, and I am filled with hope from the truth of the Word, like from Proverbs 10:22, that, “The blessing of The Lord makes rich and He adds no sorrow with it.” Or from Proverbs 11:23a, which says, “The desire of the righteous ends only in good…” Or one of my all time favs in Romans 8:28, which says, “And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His name.”
On days when I can muster up the faith to believe in these truths, I can move forward boldly and without fear, knowing that God is good and that He has a plan for me.
And then there are those other days.
Where I take my eyes off of the One who is over all and let them rest on everything that I can see around me, the seeming impossibility of my situation.
Where I wallow in self-pity. And disappointment just weighs me down. Hopelessness. Fear. Anxiety.
Where I let lies about myself and God trample all over my heart and being, which just bring me to a deeper place of hopelessness. Like, “God is just trying to trap you and make you owe this stipend back and put you in more debt!” Or “Is God really going to pull through this time??” Or “Maybe you weren’t ever called into this field in the first place and God is just punishing you for being disobedient.” And the classic, “You suck and everyone around you doesn’t because they found jobs but not you because you suck!”
And then just plain ol’ “You let your family (family being RJ and Daisy) down.”
Even as a campus minister, I can be plagued by the same fears, anxieties, self doubts, and doubts about God that everyone else experiences.
But this is also why as campus ministers, we arm our students with the truth of God’s Word, with the sword of truth to extinguish the fiery darts of the Enemy (lies, accusations, condemnation) and pierce through and destroy his arguments. It’s not just something to teach them “just because,” It’s for real life. For such a time as this, otherwise I could easily keep spiraling down further and further into hopelessness. In times like these, we must have truths to replace the lies, otherwise we are utterly destroyed. You can call it a little self-cognitive-behavioral therapy.
And this, my friends, is the place where the rubber meets the road in this journey of faith.
Do we, do I, choose to let myself be swept away by the waves of life and my emotions? Do I choose to wait passively for God’s joy to just sweep me out of whatever funk I am in?
Or do we choose to keep fighting, to muster up whatever strength or courage we have left to choose to receive the joy and hope of the Lord that is always there, waiting for us?
Like I said, some days I fight hard and well to swim against the currents of life and my emotions. But then some days, I’m just purely exhausted and let myself be carried back and forth at the mercy of the currents of life and how I am feeling, and I feel like I am going to drown.
God has brought me to a season of needing to be completely reliant on Him, where everything I can see around me only points to the sheer impossibility of the situation. I want to say that I got this blind faith thing down completely, but I really don’t. But I’m trying. And I’ve got some great truths to help me through it.
So, I hope this explains some of this radio silence you’ve been experiencing on your end. It’s been a daily battle of faith. If you are a praying friend, I just really ask for your prayers for us over this whole thing. Over my job interview on Tuesday, over future interviews, over God’s provision, over how we respond in faith. We could use all the prayers we can get!
Thanks in advance, for joining us on this crazy faith adventure. :)